Back at work today. While getting ready for work I felt really anxious and started to feel sick again, but I pushed on and made it here. I don't have an issue with the people I work with and I know it is not my fault that it happened but I feel like a disappointment to everyone. I feel like everyone here is looking at me going 'Well he wasn't good enough' even though that isn't the case. I know it was a situation where the circumstances were really shit and things just went against what we were trying to do but it doesn't change how I feel.
I feel like I have let down Woman and the kids as well. We were so excited that I was finally going to get my chance to prove myself and then I had to face them and tell them it wasn't happening. They know why and they know it was nothing I did, but I still feel as though I somehow let them down.
It makes me wonder why I should look forward to anything or feel happy about anything. What is the point of getting excited if things are just going to get snatched away from you. I need to get outn of this stuopid spiral of depressing self pity. Fuck it, harden the fuck up. You are Adam. Your psyche is fucking bulletproof. This fucking place has no right to bring you down. You have lived through so much more than them, you have defeated depression, you have lived and done things they dream of. Harden up, aswallow your emotions and move the fuck on. Life has kicked you in the guts, again. So kick the fucker in the head, tell God to get fucked and push through like you always do. Time to fire up some 'Warrior' (these are not the full lyrics, just the bits that snap me out of this shit).
'Do not hide now
Act like a warrior
Show your pride now
Solidify your place in time'
'As I stand before you
With a warrior's heart
Now I can feel the strength that will
Ensure my victory this time'Fuck I love music. Some people just have it on as a background noise but I find that music speaks to me in a way that no one and nothing else can. Music is intensley personal if you let it. It can bring tears, it can bring joy, it can show love and it can arouse hate of the worst kind. I think over the next little while I will post up some of my favorite lyrics to demostrate what music means to me. I will also post up the song title and artist so people can go and have a listen for themselves and maybe I can convert some to seeing music as more than just noise.
Let's kick it off with Slipknot and a bit of 'Duality'
'I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on, I'm not gonna make it
All I've got, all I've got is insane
All I've got, all I've got is insane
All I've got, all I've got is insane
All I've got, all I've got is insane'
I love this song because there are few people who know me that will argue that there is not a little bit of insanity about me (apparently you can see it in my eyes). I constantly feel as though I am fighting with myself and trying to prevent the insane side from coming out because I don't want people to see it. I think it is the little piece that is left from when I suffered depression and, combined with what has now been diagnosed as mild autism, it is always there just below the surface guiding who I am and it actually hurts to hide it.. But when it boils down to it that little insane piece of me is the only thing I can rely on, it is the only thing that is real to me.
