Part 1: Through Glass
How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
- Stone Sour ‘Through Glass’
You will find song lyrics at the beginning of each part. Music is a huge part of my coping mechanisms and some lyrics mean a lot to me. But more about that later.
If I had a dollar for every person who asked why I can’t just feel happy or snap out of it, I would have at least $200 which would almost cover an appointment with a Psychologist once my Medicare appointments run out. This demonstrates the sorry state of mental health care in this country, but again that’s for another time.
I have ups and downs. Some days I am quite happy then a week later I will just want to climb into my bed and die quietly. I can’t control it, the best I can do is try and manage and modulate it. This is harder than you may ever imagine. I know that the best thing to do when I am depressed is to get up and go outside, but I am not motivated to do anything. It is not something I can ‘snap out of’.
I spent years hiding my depression from people and trying to be ‘normal’. I am a very good actor when it comes to my feelings and I have developed a hard protective shell that I don’t let people see past. Kathryn, my long suffering wife, describes me as a onion within an onion, I have many layers and when you get through the layers you realise that there is another set of layers still to go. She told me last week that she has given up trying to get to my core as she feels it would never be possible.
I hide my feelings and emotions and act happy. Sometimes I get so depressed I cannot even achieve this.
The best thing you can do is just be there. It has helped me tremendously when I am depressed and my daughter comes in and climbs into the bed and just lays there. Or I will be sitting on the lounge not doing much of anything and she will come out and sit with me and start having a conversation. Her latest thing is she will come and tell me stories to make me feel better. Stories that involve grass-type fairies and dragons will alway cheer me up.
One of the key moments for me was admitting to everyone I had depression. Many already knew, but I got on Facebook and announced it.It was a bold move and took em months to work up to. The thought of doing it scared the shit out of me.
At the end of the day it turned out to be nowhere near as scary as I had worked it up to be. People have been wonderfully supportive and it confirmed what many people already suspected. In a way it has made me felt free. I no longer feel I need to hide it. If I am having a shit day I can say so and ask for some space.
People are starting to understand that it is not just a matter of getting over it. people are slowly starting to become more aware of mental illness and the distress it causes. It can be crippling. It is not something to be scared of. I am happy to talk about it if you want to know more. I won’t unload my problems on you as that won’t help anyone.
