Hello Me

Dear 10 Year Old Me,
If you are wondering why I am doing this then STOP…the real question is how I am sending you a letter from the future. The truth is I met Doctor Who and asked him to deliver a letter to you (BTW the eleventh Doctor will be your favourite followed by the Ninth). If you are still wondering why, it is because I have been inspired to write this letter and hopefully it will help me to mend a little bit.

Let’s start with the basics, life is hard but now that we are 31 it is pretty sweet. It was a battle to get here, but it was worth it. Along the way we laughed with joy, screamed at life, cried through the pain and held back tears to help others through their pain. We have lived, loved and lost. We found someone to share our life with and she keeps us sane (most of the time). We have kids, two of them. A boy and a girl. they are the greatest thing in our life and we love them more than anything.

Unfortunately you will lose people who are or will become very important to you. Some are a great loss and you miss them everyday. Others are not worth the effort and one day you will see that, but they are all part of forming the man you become. You will be strong for Mum and sometimes she will be strong for you. Remember that she always wants a hug and she does meet the perfect man and he will become a massive part of your life, although he is more of a mate than a Dad.

This leads me to fathers. There are only two who really care and will support you (although neither are the hugging type, but thats fine because neither are we). Unfortunately you will lose one of them and it will hit you HARD. Throughout it all you will do your best to push it deep down inside and be strong and steady for those who need you, but remember that those people and your family and close mates are also there for you. It will be tough and you will think about him every single goddamn day, you will even have many quiet tears in the shower or while in the car by yourself.

You also have some really close mates who are always there if you need them (don’t worry the old bearded one isn’t nearly as creepy as he looks). The important thing is to not let it build up too much. Following on from that event there are a few more serious blows to the family and they will belt you around psychologically. If you lock it up inside you will end up even more broken and writing a letter to yourself….hang on…oohh craptastic.

Now onto the tough stuff. You will fight every god damn day. You will fight an enemy that is unseen and you will find ways to hide it from all but those who are closest to you. You will do this because you want people to think you are normal. At some point you will make a realisation – What is normal? Your future wife will also paint a picture that inspires you so much that you hang it above the bed. The most important words on it are ‘When you least expect it, things take a turn for the worst. They surprise and shock you. The normal things seem different, when normal is dead.’ 

The thing you will battle, and you are already starting to battle it now at 10, is depression. You will plumb the absolute depths of it and consider suicide to be the best way out. This will pass. Suicide is never the answer and there is nothing wrong with you. Yes you are broken and you may never be fixed (you certainly aren’t at 31) but it’s not your fault. None of what will cause this is your fault and you should never blame yourself.

We are now staring down the barrel of 35. It feels like half a lifetime has passed. In the last 12 months shit has been hard and you will want to just give up some days. The trick it to remember all those people who are there to support you.

So in the last 12 months we have lost a best mate, been off work for 4 months with depression and anxiety, had our house burn down with everything in it, nearly died from a medication mix up and have a hernia.

On the upside we are still alive. Hopefully this year goes better.

Now I will put this on the internet for all the world to see.